Thursday, December 27, 2007

a time of reflection

The excitement of Christmas has passed, and a time of reflection begins.

Reflection on the year that was.

A big year for me... in terms of self-development.

I finally reached the point of seeking professional help for my depression. Depression that has plagued me for my entire adult life, although I tried to deny its existence. It was easy to deny it a lot of the time, because I didn't know any different. I knew that things weren't quite right... but I thought that it was a character flaw in me, that I somehow needed to try harder. And after so many years of 'trying' and failing... it was such a relief to finally have a medical diagnosis! To realise that there was a chemical imbalance in my brain that no amount of 'trying' was going to fix, it didn't matter how many self-help books I read about 'dealing with anger' or 'how to be happy'... I needed professional help.

Anti-depressants have changed my world... they've changed the way I look at the world... I see possibilities and hope everywhere... I no longer feel like a ticking time bomb. It is taking some time to find a balance in terms of the right dosage, but I see potential and hope, and I feel love. In essence, I feel alive.